I Wish I Knew What She Wanted

Maybe I should donate it to charity, not sure which one she would want to give it to though - maybe something for kids.

There was that place we went to once, the sanctuary place. What was it called? I can’t remember. She liked that place. I could give it to them. 

I could give some back to Mum and Dad for the funeral but I don’t think they’d want it. I’ll ask them. I don’t think she would have liked the funeral - too many vol-au-vents for her liking.

I should probably be sensible - I’ve got the house to pay for, and the car, plus a ton of debt. It feels wrong to just use it like that, though. Or is that what she wanted? 

I wish I knew what she wanted. Maybe things would have been different. 

I don’t think anyone knew just how sad she was and that we’d lose her like that.

No one knew she had life insurance either.

I think she got it out after reading some article about a little girl and her dad walking in the woods. She sent the link to everyone. That was years ago.

Maybe we did know how sad she was, really, but didn’t want to think about it. Maybe I could have done something if I’d paid more attention. 

That last argument we had was pretty bad. Not much use trying to understand now.

Part of me thinks I should blow it all on shoes and going out! She loved shoes, haha! She’d definitely approve of me wasting it all on sparkly footwear - that’s what she would do.

What she would have done. 

I should put it away for the kids. She loved the kids and would want them to have something for their future. I wouldn’t want to explain where it came from to them, though. Not ever.

I wish I could remember the name of that place. 

Maybe I should use the money to get life insurance. We should probably get some anyway. She used Quick Quote Life. They were good - very understanding of the whole situation.

I didn’t even think they paid out if someone... well… died like that. 

I could put it away for a rainy day I suppose, but I don’t think I want to keep it there like some dark memory. 

The only thing I want is to buy back the time. To buy her back. Isn’t that a thing? A buy-back? Isn’t it like I buy her back from wherever she went or something?

Ha! She didn’t have the best temper - don’t know if I’d want a zombie version of her! 

God, I miss her. 

Wait! Of course - I know what she wanted…

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